The same old story... relentless goodness?

[na_lon]

What is it with me? I start something in an attempt to find a little more positivity in my life, to feel a bit better about myself and it ends up becoming another stick to beat myself with. I wasn't always like this. I used to be genuinely more positive and confident and optimistic. I would like to be like that again. So I thought that making a note of the good things will be a good way to be more positive. But now the 'good things' posts have become another thing that needs to be done, and I need to find a way of making them into a sustaining ritual in my head, and not a chore. I felt like this when I posted my 100 days photos, I shouldn't feel surprised I feel like it now. The truth is, I am very anxious about work, without a particular reason, and I am so tired from work - burnt out - that I am struggling to keep going and I am afraid that I won't be able to get through another year like the last one. I'm afraid this means I'm a failure. Blah, blah, same old same old, self-pity, impossible standards, you (i.e. I) don't have anything to moan about, guilt, bloody guilt. I don't want this anymore.

And yet...
- Na'Quis's sports day: the weather was mostly good (I even got a little sunburnt), Na'Quis was proud of her achievements ("I can run really fast!"), and I'm proud of her for going and doing it, even though she'd missed preparing for sports day with her fellow pupils.
- The Marquis and I put up the garden table, and then I spent about two hours cleaning garden furniture and partly cleaning up the shed, until the dust got to me.
- I took Na'Quis with me to a singing lesson. She wants to have her own and I am going to start again. My singing teacher has a new singing room in her garden: it is fantastic. I want one. ;-)
- Just as the sun was setting it peeked out behind the cloud and made the apple blossom on our neighbours tree look the most glorious luminescent pink. It made me want to learn to paint, because on a photo I can never capture that kind of light.
- I can hear the sound of the rain on the patio. The plants will appreciate the water and I like the sound.

Comments

[na-lon.livejournal.com]

I know. That's why it's not a solution. At the moment I'm not even managing a single early night.