na_lon: (mesmall)
[personal profile] na_lon
What is it with me? I start something in an attempt to find a little more positivity in my life, to feel a bit better about myself and it ends up becoming another stick to beat myself with. I wasn't always like this. I used to be genuinely more positive and confident and optimistic. I would like to be like that again. So I thought that making a note of the good things will be a good way to be more positive. But now the 'good things' posts have become another thing that needs to be done, and I need to find a way of making them into a sustaining ritual in my head, and not a chore. I felt like this when I posted my 100 days photos, I shouldn't feel surprised I feel like it now. The truth is, I am very anxious about work, without a particular reason, and I am so tired from work - burnt out - that I am struggling to keep going and I am afraid that I won't be able to get through another year like the last one. I'm afraid this means I'm a failure. Blah, blah, same old same old, self-pity, impossible standards, you (i.e. I) don't have anything to moan about, guilt, bloody guilt. I don't want this anymore.

And yet...
- Na'Quis's sports day: the weather was mostly good (I even got a little sunburnt), Na'Quis was proud of her achievements ("I can run really fast!"), and I'm proud of her for going and doing it, even though she'd missed preparing for sports day with her fellow pupils.
- The Marquis and I put up the garden table, and then I spent about two hours cleaning garden furniture and partly cleaning up the shed, until the dust got to me.
- I took Na'Quis with me to a singing lesson. She wants to have her own and I am going to start again. My singing teacher has a new singing room in her garden: it is fantastic. I want one. ;-)
- Just as the sun was setting it peeked out behind the cloud and made the apple blossom on our neighbours tree look the most glorious luminescent pink. It made me want to learn to paint, because on a photo I can never capture that kind of light.
- I can hear the sound of the rain on the patio. The plants will appreciate the water and I like the sound.

Date: 2015-05-05 07:21 am (UTC)
ext_189645: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Anxiety is such a pain, I do feel for you, awful when it sucks the life out of things that were supposed to be fun.

I like reading your good things posts (but don't feel pressured by that!) You have a great eye for describing things like the sun on the apple blossom.

Date: 2015-05-05 10:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you for both the empathy and the feedback not the good things. I do actually like writing them. It is a nice ritual, but I need to find a way of starting the ritual a little earlier in the evening.

I'm glad you enjoyed the description of the apple blossom. I looked out yesterday and wished I could capture how seeing them made me feel: a little awed at their unwitting beauty and privileged in being there to see them just then. I wish I could have shared that moment on my lj.

Date: 2015-05-06 07:12 pm (UTC)
ext_90289: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Writing the good things up should be a bit of fun, not something to angst over when you don't do it. I enjoy reading them, and I'm glad you enjoy writing them, but please don't add it to the "must do" list.

Date: 2015-05-06 09:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was what I thought. I wanted it to be something sustaining, to help remind me of how many positive things one can usually find, and to look out for them. I will try to continue for that purpose if nothing else, to let it become a ritual. Perhaps I can just write a little less on 'hard' days.

I'm glad you enjoy reading them also.

Date: 2015-05-06 07:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Tiredness and overwork… leading to despondency … a familiar feeling to me. Don't know what the answer is! (If you find out, please tell me, because I need it)

Date: 2015-05-06 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I will tell you, definitely, and if you find out before me, let me know.

One thing that does work (a bit), but is hard to come by is getting more sleep for about 3 weeks or so. I'm going to try having a self-imposed curfew for a little while (except when out doing nice things...).

Edited Date: 2015-05-06 09:04 pm (UTC)

Date: 2015-05-07 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
THREE WEEKS. No wonder I have not got there yet! I am lucky if I manage 3 days!!!!!

Date: 2015-05-08 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I know. That's why it's not a solution. At the moment I'm not even managing a single early night.


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